I guess it's time I write again. I've waiting, thinking that I will write once I get everything sorted out in my head (I've had a lot of thoughts running around in there recently). But it may be a while to all those thoughts are fully sorted out, so I will write as best I can of what I have been thinking about.
It all started with my aunt's death. Well, really things started before then, but her death has had me thinking more.
For a few years I have prayed a pray that I still don't really understand all the implications of. I have prayed this: Daddy, I want to know your heart. I want to feel what you feel, see what you see, love like you love. I want to feel the deepest sorrows of your heart and the greatest joys. I want to help carry some of the pain in your heart.
I know, I know. The things that God feels are way beyond what I can comprehend. But I feel that is sorta like a little child saying "Daddy, let me help you carry that." The child grabs ahold of the heavy load and ends up just adding more weight, but it makes the daddy smile. I hope that with my crazy prayer, with this desire of my heart, if nothing else, that it brings a smile to God's heart.
I started praying this years ago. A crazy prayer that if I knew the full implications of what I am asking, I would probably stop praying it, yet I don't know and I keep praying. I prayed this prayer when my heart was so walled, it had forgotten how to feel. It's almost ironic. But God has sinced broken through those walls. I've begun to feel again. And with that slowly is coming the answer to my prayer. I am beginning to feel what God feels, in however small a degree.
I think I first began to notice this spring and summer. Thinking about my aunt or some social justice issue, cancer or death, family arguments or pain. I begin to feel a sense of sorrow and the only way I can describe it with the phrase "It's not right!" And I hear God say "This isn't how I meant it to be, this wasn't my plan." And it just burns into my heart.
My aunt wasn't supposed to die. It wasn't her time to go. This wasn't God's plan.
He created this world, he created us for joy and life and love, not for pain and sorrow and suffering. This wasn't part of his plan. Sin wasn't part of his plan and it hurts his heart to see his creation being so destroyed by sin. He knows how it will end; he knows he wins, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't feel our pain and suffer with us. But what can he do about it. He has already won and determined the end. Yet what can he do to change our present condition. I feel like at times his hands are tied. He created us with free wills (and he is a gentleman who will not over ride our free wills), we sold out to Satan, Satan now controls the world. Unless . . . unless we are willing to battle with him and take it back.
So the question I've been asking myself is this: "Can God do anything without us praying?"
Like I just said, my aunt wasn't supposed to die yet. God had been speaking to me about going and praying for her. I didn't quite realize it was him. Until someone for the third time spoke prophetically of my hands being healing hands. Then I realized, but my opportunity soon slipped away. I know I'm not condemned; I don't feel condemned. I don't feel that her death is my fault. I think maybe it could have been different if I laid hands on her, but maybe not. I was praying from a distance for months. But I think God gave this experience as a lesson.
Even a book I've been reading recently has talked some about these things. Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets talks about maybe doors are closed because we don't pray, maybe we are poor because we don't pray and don't tithe, maybe we are sick because we don't pray. There are spiritual forces of evil in this world; though we don't want to focus on that and lose sight of God, we do need to be aware of that fact.
Our prayers do make a difference. Our prayers are not for convincing God to do something he already wants to do. (God wants to heal us!) Our prayers are to free God to do what he already wants to do, but can't unless we ask.
I am not suggesting that God is not all powerful. He is. Only he created us with free wills and will not over step that. He binds himself to honor the way he has created us, with the choice to love him.
So . . . how should I wind this long-winded post up? I think I'm beginning to feel what God feels to a very small degree and in realizing that, I'm realizing that he longs for our prayers to free him to do what he most wants to do in our lives and in the lives of those we come in contact with. We are his hands and feet because he chooses to work through us.
And on that note, I want to quickly recount a little story from today. I was at the hospital for nursing clinical and was saying goodbye to my patient for the day. I had spent yesterday with her and she is just the sweetest, most pleasant elderly lady. Before I left I asked if I she would mind if I pray with her. She said no (she wouldn't mind). So I took her hand, knelt, and asked God to bless her, strengthen her, heal her, and get her home quickly (home here, not in heaven). After I was done, she didn't let go of my hand for a good 30 seconds. She smiled and said thank you, told me I was a good girl and would make a good nurse. I said goodbye and had to blink my eyes to keep from crying as I walked out of the room. And I wondered: "Why don't I do this more often?"
I love you, Daddy. You always amaze me when I take the time to look, hear, see, and feel where you are.