So I haven't written for a long time & my only excuse is that I've been busy. & Mom would definitely say that was an excuse only. More accurately, I've been using my free time for reading & knitting & my thoughts have not been collected enough to put them on paper.
That's not to say I haven't been thinking. The thoughts are in my heart, just they're not yet in English.
It's hard to explain & it's sorta funny thing. My heart's in this mode of processing where thoughts haven't become words yet, not English ones anyhow or any language for that matter. They're more impressions or movements that at any time will come welling up into my mind & from there to my journal. It normally starts as a slow trickle; some short, schizophrenic conversations with God that probably leave Him scratching His head wondering how my thoughts fit together. But then one day it all just fits together & comes out in a flood of conversation & prayer & dialogue & emotion. Commonly, this happens in my car. & I later wish I had a voice recorder since I am, as yet, unable to drive & write. Maybe someday . . .
So here's the funny thing in this. I'm not doing anything, I can't do anything. It's like this heart processing takes so much energy, I don't have much left over. No, it's not that I don't have energy; it's that my heart's thinking so hard that my head can't do much thinking.
So by this point, if any of my siblings are reading this (Kari or Jordan, I mean you :), they're thinking, "Kendra, you're way over-analyzing!" Sure I am. But the only way for me to begin to translate my heart movements to English is to begin to interpret them as best as I know how. & this is how I do that: I put words together to make sentences to make paragraphs. Eventually, my heart catches on & the trickle becomes a flood until the processing's complete.
2 comments:
I "get" it, Kendra. I feel the same way after a good sermon. It's an odd thing for me, because I'm usually articulate and quick to find words, but when the spirit is stirring things around, I don't know how to verbalize what's going on. My pastor has gotten used to my saying (about a particularly good sermon) "it was really good, but I can't talk about it yet." (Well, I *think* he's gotten used to it. Maybe he just thinks I'm nuts.) ;)
actually I did not think you are crazy, instead i immediately related. learning another language has not only allowed me to appreciate communication so much more, but to at times realize that English (and for that matter any language) does have its failures...that to say i have found myself doing the same, not that its an action, just a part of who we are as humans and children of God....well enough said. I enjoyed reading you thoughts...and thanks for putting it into words.
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