Recently I've been feeling like I'm pulling myself in many different directions, trying to pursue too many interests at one time. It's tiring! I thought I wanted to actively pursue midwifery training or at least get my feet wet at this time in my life. However, as soon as I arranged to shadow midwives, the desire is gone and moves onto something else.
I've wondered if it's just the fickleness of my own heart not wanting to do anything that will take work and push me outside my lovely little comfort zone. Now that I have full choice of what to pursue, I seem to only want to do what's easy, what brings immediate gratification.
Yet midwifery is something I was never fully sure (and still am not) that I was called to do. It's been an interest, but I've questioned the reasons it's an interest.
And what do I hear God saying in all this? I'm not certain of that either. My ability to recognize and understand His voice of late, has been distracted for a few reasons.
This year's word was contentment. I've not been very good at this yet. The verse for this year was Romans 12:1&2 "Therefore, I urge, you brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."
The theme of this year has been A Higher Standard, A Higher Calling than what I have previously been striving for.
I wrote recently in my journal: "Righteousness . . . Holy . . . Purity . . . Perfection . . . God is calling us to a higher standard, one higher than the one we've been attempting, striving to attain. This higher standard, God will transform us into."
In moments of clarity, I see that this is where God's heart is for me right now where I'm at. He's asking that I would allow Him to work this righteousness in me. It requires obedience, turning my back on my comfort zone, seeking out people, loving people, serving people and in so doing, doing it all for Jesus, to Jesus.
So where does this leave me as to what to pursue?:
Well, not midwifery.
Learning to play piano and sing
Taking available opportunities to do both (even if I don't feel equipped or ready)
Learning to intercede, what intercession is
Learning to serve, serve, serve
Developing mothering abilities with in me
Serving at SVPS, where I am already committed
Not neglecting work and the numerous opportunities there to minister
Seeking out relationships, even with people I've previously overlooked
Loving my family
Digging into God's Word
Learning to dance
Dancing with abandon
And pursuing further education sometime in the future when it is actually in my heart to do so, when God leads me to do so.
Education in the world, though valuable, is not something I should pursue at the expense of education by God.