Haiti Update #1

This is truly my most real mission trip. there is no unpacking, no getting organized. We are 20+ people living in one home, sharing 2 bathrooms, and an outdoor shower (I haven't used it yet & prolly wont). We sleep on the cement roof on thin air mattresses: men and women together. Talk about getting to know people. fortunately only pastor salik snores. but there's always the donkeys and roosters making noise also. We finally arrived here late Friday night. Saturday, I went out with the medical team that was already here. Didn't see anything real severe. Except that we were in a tent city with a population of 30,000! We drove by the caribbean market that fell killing roughly 200. It still smells horrible and they are only beginning to try to bulldoze it clear. I haven't cried yet. it's all just so big, it's numbing. How do you know where to start? And there was such great need already before the earthquake. And I can only think of how we complain about healthcare and lack of access in the states. We know nothing of lack of healthcare! I felt like all we did as a medical team was put a bandaid on a gaping wound. saw a man being carried on a litter to and from a hospital to have his leg redressed. He had an external fixator (look it up on google images) on his leg! I did almost cry yesterday seeing an 8 month old baby the size of a 3 month old with the emotional response of a 2 month old. So skinny. No smile, no laugh. So malnourished. No teeth either. Heartbreaking, yet all I feel is numbness and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Daddy, break my heart with the things that break yours. Just some of my thoughts.

Oh, Haiti!

Haiti . . . that one name now brings many emotions to surface in my heart: compassion, mercy, desire, hope, anticipation, fear.

I am going . . . in 10 days I will be on a plane bound for Port-au-Prince, Haiti, with 6-7 other people. Nearly two months before the earthquake struck, I committed to going to Haiti. I didn't know why at the time, only that I had peace, desire, and an anticipation that God had something for me in Haiti. That anticipation is now even stronger! I cannot shake the sense that God is dancing over us with giddy excitement; He's got something up His sleeve and I can't wait to see what it is!

Yes, I am excited! But there is a little fear mixed in my heart, too. This is Haiti, the poorest nation in the western hemisphere, and it's right after a devastating earthquake that destroyed what little this people had. Everything is in short supply. However, there is enough naivety in me that excitement overrules fear. No, it's not naivety. There's enough faith in the goodness of my Daddy's heart to know that the safest place is the palm of His hand, the center of His will.

Because I am a nurse, I will be working mostly in a hospital, caring for the wounded. I am eager to use my knowledge and skill to care for people who are in desperate need of care. I get frustrated working in a place here where I am easily replaceable and caring for patients who by-and-large are hospitalized due to the direct consequences of life choices. Oh, give me the people who have no one else; the poor, the needy, the wounded and hurt. Let my compassion be even more aroused and awakened!

Though I am a nurse, I know I have so little to give people devastated by loss and injury.

Yet, I am a daughter of the living God, and as such I have much to offer. And it is this that I want to offer.
My hands to be the hands of Christ; my touch to be the healing touch of Jesus; my words to be the love of Christ; my compassion to be the tears of my Daddy; my feet to be the feet that bring good news of great joy: Christ is Risen! and has Conquered ALL sickness, disease, wounds, pain, darkness, sin, evil, fear.

I want to carry the Heart of the Father in my heart . . . to the people of Haiti.

After God's Silence - What?

A couple of months ago, my brother sent me a Facebook message saying, "You need to read October 11th in My Utmost for His Highest. I think it might be just where you are at."
Well, I began to read it and starting thinking "What did he mean; this isn't where I am at at all." But by the time I got to the end, I was thinking, "Boy, my brother sure does know me well. He hit the nail on the head."
I continue to read and reread this devotional as an encouragement even when I don't have the answers I'm looking for. So here it is. Read and be blessed.

My Utmost for His Highest - October 11th: 'After God's Silence - What?

"When He had heard therefore that he was sick, He abode two days in the same place where He was." (John 11:6)

Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers. Think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything analogous to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvelous understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and today you find He gave you the bread of life.
A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." His silence is proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence.'

Thank you, Daddy, for Your silence. It is teaching me to cling ever stronger to You; to cling to You and trust Your heart towards me even when I do not see, even when all I have is the promise of the faith in my heart. In the silence, I am learning that You will remain faithful, even if I am faithless, for You cannot deny Yourself (2 Timothy 2:13)

Willing to Risk

Am I willing to risk?

Am I willing to risk sounding bad when I sing?
Am I willing to risk stumbling over my words?
Am I willing to risk making up a chorus that makes no sense?

Am I willing to be misunderstood, misjudged?
Am I willing to be thought foolish or weird or sacrilegious?
Am I willing to loose my reputation?

Am I willing to loose my dignity?
Am I willing to loose face?
Am I willing to . . . anything?

Am I willing to loose anything, throw anything away, do anything in the pursuit of my Daddy’s heart?

Am I willing to risk it all?

He risked it all, threw everything he knew away, lost it all for the sake of finding me.

Will I do the same?

Will I throw away the fear of man to pursue my Daddy?

Do I really want Him like I say I do? Am I willing to pay the price of knowing His heart?
Am I willing to pay the price of dreaming His dreams, of being His resting place, of being a womb for His desires?
Am I willing to pay the price for His complete trust in me?

It seems like such a high price to pay.
It seems too cheap a price.

At what point does He become worth more to me than the fear of man?

At what point will I lay it all down and declare that the fear of God carries more weight in my heart than the fear of man?

I want to know His heart.
I want to dream His dreams.
I want to conceive and bring forth His desires.
I want to be a blessing to My Daddy.

I want Him to trust me . . .
. . . and it is worth any price.

Tuesday, November 3rd at Gateway

Journal Entry:
"Behind what could be seen as just a good performance with excellent vocals, can I hear the heartbeat of heaven and the pain in my Daddy's heart? His heart breaks for His daughters, ravished and beaten, broken in spirit and body by others of His creation. How He longs to bring restoration and freedom, SALVATION! to lives broken and torn. That's the whole reason Jesus came: to restore relationship and break the curse that has led us to so cruelly defraud each other. He came to call us who now know Him, who have been freed, to go to those still in bondage and release them in Jesus' name. Daddy needs us; He calls us to respond; to hear the heartbeat of heaven and feel the pain He feels, the pain the broken feel and carry it as our very own."

"Will I yield my heart to feel the pain He feels, to feel the pain the world feels as it cries to be released from the curse? Will I yield my heart to take their place and approach the throne of heaven to entreat for their restoration and release?"



Can you feel the ache in His heart? More and more, my prayer is "Daddy, let me feel what you feel? I want to know Your heart." I can muster up only so much love, only so much compassion. As days pass into weeks, I see my love and compassion fade so quickly. But His never ends. I want His love and compassion in my heart, that from a place of brokenness, I can carry the burdens of others as if they truly were my own burdens. His love in my heart, His compassion flowing in my veins, His tears flowing from my eyes . . . for a world torn apart by the curse of sin and death.

Let hope and truth burst forth! May His kingdom be enforced on earth as it is heaven. Daddy, find my heart and body a willing vessel to be Your hands, feet, and heart to a hurting world.

Faith

Waiting is not easy. Waiting without sight is not easy. Waiting with uncertain hope is not easy.
It’s frustrating, heartbreaking, confusing. It feels blind; it feels dark.
If my hope is uncertain, why am I waiting?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen.
Faith is substance; faith is evidence . . . when there is none.
If there is physical evidence, if there is visible proof, then there need not be faith.
The need for faith comes when there is no visible proof of that for which we hope.

This is where I am at.
I have a hope, however uncertain.
I’ve sensed the voice of God in my heart, strengthening this hope.
Yet,
There is absolutely no physical evidence on which to rest my hope.
There is absolutely no visible proof or reason for me to hope.
Yet, I do. Is it stubbornness or faith?

Faith is substance and faith is evidence. There need not be other evidence.
The faith of God in my heart is the substance of what I hope for, the evidence of that which I do not see, yet hope to see.
I walk be faith not by sight.
That means that even though I do not see evidence, even though I feel blind, because of my faith, I walk.
Though I cannot see, faith gives me courage and reason to continue walking.

How many times these past six, no it’s seven months have I prayed “God, if this whisper in my heart is not from you, if it’s not your voice, then turn my heart. My heart is in your hands to turn as you will. I want nothing other than your will for my life”?
Seven months of praying this and my heart has not turned away from the whisper, from the hope.
Seven months, and now there is peace that before was not there.
Seven months . . . I’m still walking by faith, I’m still hoping without evidence.

There has been confusion. Frustration. Doubting. Tears.
There still is. Even though peace has wondrously found a way into my heart.

I ask God at least weekly, sometimes daily, for proof, for anything. Just for confirmation that I am indeed hearing his whisper. My fleece is before him. It has been for three months now.

This is faith: to continue in obedience, to continue in humility, to continue to walk: when I have no sight, when I am blind, when confusion surrounds, when doubt knocks at the door.
This is faith: to trust in the goodness of my Daddy’s heart and the gentleness of his love, when I have all the evidence I could want and when I have absolutely nothing.

More Verses

THANK YOU

I thank You that we no longer must make daily sacrifices to cover our sin.
I thank You that animal blood is no longer spilt daily.
I thank You that I do not need a lamb or goat to take my place.
I thank You that You have made a new and living way.

I thank You that Jesus became the last needed sacrifice.
I thank You that His blood now covers me & was spilt once for all.
I thank You that Jesus took my place.
I thank You for life abundant & new.
I thank You that I have been made a new creation in Christ Jesus,
through His death & resurrection, His sacrifice.

WHY DO WE DO WHAT WE DO HERE?

Do we sing,
just because we like to sing?
Do we sing,
just to hear the sound of our own voices?
Do we dance,
just to feel our bodies move?
Do we dance,
just to hear someone say "did you see her dance?"?

Or do we sing
to bring You praise
because You're worthy?
Do we sing
to wage war
on the curse?
Or do we dance
to delight You
because You glory in us?
Do we dance
to break open the heavens
that You might come down?

Will we sing and dance for Your ears and eyes only?

Are we doing what we do here
just for the praise of men?
Or are we doing what we do
because it makes You smile?
Are we doing what we do here for You alone;
are You alone who we see?

If no one else were here,
would we still sing & dance?
If we had no tune, no rhythm,
would we still sing to release the captives?
If we had no grace, no beauty,
would we still dance to break off chains?

Let our song & dance
be intercession
that rises as a pleasing aroma
to Your throne in heaven.
Let our song & dance
be song & dance of war
that we would be Your soldiers
breaking through the defenses.

Make us Your singing & dancing warriors!