January 5th Journal

You won't relent until You have it all
           My heart is Yours.
I'll set You as a seal upon my arm, as a seal upon my heart . . .
You keep chasing my heart, never stopping, Your desire, Your love as strong as death, Your jealousy as strong as the grave.
You want all of me, as part won't satisfy Your desire for me . . . Only all of me.
And You keep pursuing my heart, never stopping, my heart is Your goal, all of my heart.
You desire me . . . Your daughter, Your creation . . .
You call me beautiful, Your own love . . .
Beulah, Hephzibah . . . married to Him, His desire is for me.
I am my Lover's and He is mine. His desire is for me and mine for Him.
Beautiful and perfect You are, my Lover.
Holy and righteous, worthy of all my heart, all of me.

December 22nd Journal

I am worthy

     Because He says I am worthy.
I have value
     Because He calls me valuable.
I am lovely
     Because He has made me lovely.
Beulah, Hephsibah
     His delight is in me!
I love Him;
     He loves me more.
I desire Him;
     He desires me more
Jealous is He!
     I'm after His heart;
And He is after mine.

And how can the clay say to the Potter,
"You made me wrong, imperfect?"
How can I say to my Maker
"You messed up?"
He has made me Perfect, Beautiful, Lovely.
                     Do I believe this?
Do I believe that He delights in me
                     More than I can ever delight in Him?

My heart & desires are pleasing to Him.
I stop sometimes . . . & think:
                     "Why would He do this for me?"
Why would He not?!
                     Do not believe the lie!

"I delight over you,
      I dance over you.
My desire is for you,
      My heart is for you.
Why would I not give you a good gift?"
                       (But I am so unworthy of my heart's desire . . .)
"No, I have declared you worthy;
       Not because of who you are,
       But who you are in Me,
       Because of My love for you.
I have declared you worthy.
     What I have declared worthy,
     Do not declare unworthy.
You are my daughter,
Desirable, Captivating, Lovely.
Daughter, you capture My heart!
When you dance,
     My eyes sparkle.
When you sing,
     Heaven becomes silent.
When you pray,
    My heart rejoices.

You, My daughter,
Are a blessing to My heart."

Haiti Update #1

This is truly my most real mission trip. there is no unpacking, no getting organized. We are 20+ people living in one home, sharing 2 bathrooms, and an outdoor shower (I haven't used it yet & prolly wont). We sleep on the cement roof on thin air mattresses: men and women together. Talk about getting to know people. fortunately only pastor salik snores. but there's always the donkeys and roosters making noise also. We finally arrived here late Friday night. Saturday, I went out with the medical team that was already here. Didn't see anything real severe. Except that we were in a tent city with a population of 30,000! We drove by the caribbean market that fell killing roughly 200. It still smells horrible and they are only beginning to try to bulldoze it clear. I haven't cried yet. it's all just so big, it's numbing. How do you know where to start? And there was such great need already before the earthquake. And I can only think of how we complain about healthcare and lack of access in the states. We know nothing of lack of healthcare! I felt like all we did as a medical team was put a bandaid on a gaping wound. saw a man being carried on a litter to and from a hospital to have his leg redressed. He had an external fixator (look it up on google images) on his leg! I did almost cry yesterday seeing an 8 month old baby the size of a 3 month old with the emotional response of a 2 month old. So skinny. No smile, no laugh. So malnourished. No teeth either. Heartbreaking, yet all I feel is numbness and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Daddy, break my heart with the things that break yours. Just some of my thoughts.

Oh, Haiti!

Haiti . . . that one name now brings many emotions to surface in my heart: compassion, mercy, desire, hope, anticipation, fear.

I am going . . . in 10 days I will be on a plane bound for Port-au-Prince, Haiti, with 6-7 other people. Nearly two months before the earthquake struck, I committed to going to Haiti. I didn't know why at the time, only that I had peace, desire, and an anticipation that God had something for me in Haiti. That anticipation is now even stronger! I cannot shake the sense that God is dancing over us with giddy excitement; He's got something up His sleeve and I can't wait to see what it is!

Yes, I am excited! But there is a little fear mixed in my heart, too. This is Haiti, the poorest nation in the western hemisphere, and it's right after a devastating earthquake that destroyed what little this people had. Everything is in short supply. However, there is enough naivety in me that excitement overrules fear. No, it's not naivety. There's enough faith in the goodness of my Daddy's heart to know that the safest place is the palm of His hand, the center of His will.

Because I am a nurse, I will be working mostly in a hospital, caring for the wounded. I am eager to use my knowledge and skill to care for people who are in desperate need of care. I get frustrated working in a place here where I am easily replaceable and caring for patients who by-and-large are hospitalized due to the direct consequences of life choices. Oh, give me the people who have no one else; the poor, the needy, the wounded and hurt. Let my compassion be even more aroused and awakened!

Though I am a nurse, I know I have so little to give people devastated by loss and injury.

Yet, I am a daughter of the living God, and as such I have much to offer. And it is this that I want to offer.
My hands to be the hands of Christ; my touch to be the healing touch of Jesus; my words to be the love of Christ; my compassion to be the tears of my Daddy; my feet to be the feet that bring good news of great joy: Christ is Risen! and has Conquered ALL sickness, disease, wounds, pain, darkness, sin, evil, fear.

I want to carry the Heart of the Father in my heart . . . to the people of Haiti.

After God's Silence - What?

A couple of months ago, my brother sent me a Facebook message saying, "You need to read October 11th in My Utmost for His Highest. I think it might be just where you are at."
Well, I began to read it and starting thinking "What did he mean; this isn't where I am at at all." But by the time I got to the end, I was thinking, "Boy, my brother sure does know me well. He hit the nail on the head."
I continue to read and reread this devotional as an encouragement even when I don't have the answers I'm looking for. So here it is. Read and be blessed.

My Utmost for His Highest - October 11th: 'After God's Silence - What?

"When He had heard therefore that he was sick, He abode two days in the same place where He was." (John 11:6)

Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers. Think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything analogous to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvelous understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and today you find He gave you the bread of life.
A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." His silence is proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence.'

Thank you, Daddy, for Your silence. It is teaching me to cling ever stronger to You; to cling to You and trust Your heart towards me even when I do not see, even when all I have is the promise of the faith in my heart. In the silence, I am learning that You will remain faithful, even if I am faithless, for You cannot deny Yourself (2 Timothy 2:13)

Willing to Risk

Am I willing to risk?

Am I willing to risk sounding bad when I sing?
Am I willing to risk stumbling over my words?
Am I willing to risk making up a chorus that makes no sense?

Am I willing to be misunderstood, misjudged?
Am I willing to be thought foolish or weird or sacrilegious?
Am I willing to loose my reputation?

Am I willing to loose my dignity?
Am I willing to loose face?
Am I willing to . . . anything?

Am I willing to loose anything, throw anything away, do anything in the pursuit of my Daddy’s heart?

Am I willing to risk it all?

He risked it all, threw everything he knew away, lost it all for the sake of finding me.

Will I do the same?

Will I throw away the fear of man to pursue my Daddy?

Do I really want Him like I say I do? Am I willing to pay the price of knowing His heart?
Am I willing to pay the price of dreaming His dreams, of being His resting place, of being a womb for His desires?
Am I willing to pay the price for His complete trust in me?

It seems like such a high price to pay.
It seems too cheap a price.

At what point does He become worth more to me than the fear of man?

At what point will I lay it all down and declare that the fear of God carries more weight in my heart than the fear of man?

I want to know His heart.
I want to dream His dreams.
I want to conceive and bring forth His desires.
I want to be a blessing to My Daddy.

I want Him to trust me . . .
. . . and it is worth any price.

Tuesday, November 3rd at Gateway

Journal Entry:
"Behind what could be seen as just a good performance with excellent vocals, can I hear the heartbeat of heaven and the pain in my Daddy's heart? His heart breaks for His daughters, ravished and beaten, broken in spirit and body by others of His creation. How He longs to bring restoration and freedom, SALVATION! to lives broken and torn. That's the whole reason Jesus came: to restore relationship and break the curse that has led us to so cruelly defraud each other. He came to call us who now know Him, who have been freed, to go to those still in bondage and release them in Jesus' name. Daddy needs us; He calls us to respond; to hear the heartbeat of heaven and feel the pain He feels, the pain the broken feel and carry it as our very own."

"Will I yield my heart to feel the pain He feels, to feel the pain the world feels as it cries to be released from the curse? Will I yield my heart to take their place and approach the throne of heaven to entreat for their restoration and release?"



Can you feel the ache in His heart? More and more, my prayer is "Daddy, let me feel what you feel? I want to know Your heart." I can muster up only so much love, only so much compassion. As days pass into weeks, I see my love and compassion fade so quickly. But His never ends. I want His love and compassion in my heart, that from a place of brokenness, I can carry the burdens of others as if they truly were my own burdens. His love in my heart, His compassion flowing in my veins, His tears flowing from my eyes . . . for a world torn apart by the curse of sin and death.

Let hope and truth burst forth! May His kingdom be enforced on earth as it is heaven. Daddy, find my heart and body a willing vessel to be Your hands, feet, and heart to a hurting world.