The Next Step

It's been eight months now since I started on one of the most amazing adventures I've had so far in my young life. God planted a desire in my heart and I took a step of faith. Looking back I am still amazed at His faithfulness through the whole experience. He provided even when I seriously had my doubts. And in my weakness He was strong.

Just as this adventure was drawing to a close, God started reawakening my heart's desire and passion for intercession. He seemed to be preparing my heart, whispering "This is what I have for you next." So as I flew over the Atlantic on my way to North Africa, I began to read Red Moon Rising, a book about 24/7 prayer. And my heart started asking "What's this look like in my little world of southern Lancaster? What do You want me to do next?"

And I continued to ask the question as I returned home and started a new job.
In some ways I'm still asking this question.

I've had an opportunity sort of placed in my lap, mine for the taking. Though my vision is by no means clear, I believe God has been preparing me for this. The trip to Africa, that was just so God could prove to me that He is strong in my weakness; that when He calls, He also equips. It's not me; it's Him in me.

So I sit here today with an opportunity to become a leader in a ministry that's in its infancy. I'm scared! But there is a growing confidence in my heart that God is calling me to this. Yet fear raises its ugly head. Me, an intercessor?! Me, leading others in intercession?! Me, head of a prayer room?! Who do I think I am? It's not who I think I am, it's who I know God is.

But if I know only two things right now about my future as a Christian, I know that God has called me to a life of intercession. And I know God has given me the gift of healing.
I know that the gift of healing will only begin to manifest as I answer the call to intercession. I know that these two hands of mine will only heal when they have become the hands of Jesus. And that will only happen as I am on my knees in His presence.

The next step will see me as an intercessor and a partner with City Gate House of Prayer. The next step will lead me into Lancaster City, into the lives of its inhabitants, and out of my own comfort zone. I sense the Spirit moving; I think I can hear, faintly, my Daddy's heartbeat. I pray the next step will take me deeper into the heart and the love of my Father. That my love will truly become His love; that my hands will truly become the hands of Christ; that my words will become His words; in all humility, authenticity, love, purity, and holiness.

Easter & a Poem

I found this in my journal from two years ago. It was Easter and for the first time in my life, I realized all that Jesus went through for me and that whether or not I accepted his gift, his sacrifice, didn't change the fact that he was offering it me.

Thank You for this gift You've given to me.
It cost You everything.
I know . . . I know!
But I love it; and I love You.
I am excited to try this new gift.
And the world asks "What is this gift?
What is is?"
Oh my, how do you explain?
It is life, abundant.
Life that does not end,
Love that does not run out,
Courage that never fails,
Words that are food,
Songs that are more than songs,
Smiles with something behind them,
Peace beyond comprehension,
Joy bubbling inside,
Sorrow that is light.
A Friend who never fails,
A Lover so faithful,
A Father all caring,
A Brother who sticks.

When I look back at all that God has done in me, I am amazed and awed at His graciousness, His faithfulness, His astounding Love! This journey that He is taking me on, that He is walking with me is just so far beyond what I ever imagined. The past few months have been an adventure in trust, in obedience, in faith, in hearing God's voice. I have feared, I have stumbled, I have been shaken, but God has been by my side, holding my hand. I am excited; there is anticipation within my spirit; I can't wait to see what God is going to do next; where He will lead me.

And as Easter is now once again just around the corner. And tomorrow is Good Friday. I remember the only reason I am on this incredible journey. It's because Jesus lived and Jesus laughed and Jesus cried and Jesus prayed and Jesus wept and Jesus died. And Jesus rose again!! I walk with my Daddy, because He gave everything, everything for me, to redeem me, and give me abundant life. That's how much He loves me!

Reflection & Anticipation

As it is the beginning of a new year, I have spending a lot of time reflecting on the past year and anticipating the one we have just entered.

Last year 'round this time, God told me that 2007 was to be a year of freedom. I didn't fully understand all that He meant by that. Now with hindsight, I can see how true that word was . . . is. I didn't have any amazing breakthrough. But I have learned more about what it means to be free. I've learned more about truth. I've learned more about the truth of who I am, the truth that I have been set free. And I can choose to live in that freedom or remain in bondage.
Now that 2007 is over, I ask myself am I living in freedom? No, I am not completely and totally free; that will be a life-long process. But I am freer than I was a year ago. I have grown. I'm not as hard on myself. I have been stretched and learned to loosen up on my expectations of myself. I have stepped out of my comfort zone on a few occasions. And God has been absolutely amazing!

Now I am excited about this year. I know growth will continue. God's been speaking to me of what this 2008 year holds for me and for others.

The word for this year: Leadership. And all that that entails.

I still don't know all that that word means for me, for this year. I know it means taking initiative with things God places on my heart and leading others in them. For example, I am planning and leading a trip to Morocco for this June. Leadership means servanthood in my family, to my friends, in my work. Leadership means stepping outside my comfort zone in new ways, talking to people I haven't really talked to before, doing things I wouldn't normally do, speaking up with my thoughts.

I'm excited for 2008 for others reasons too. God has something brewing; He's got some big BIG plans and desires for this year. I know He has some things up His sleeve for me, in my world, with my friends and family. But He has big plans outside of that too. Can't you feel His Spirit just brooding with anticipation and the fullness of time? He's up to something; I want to be a part; and that makes me excited.

LOVE

"See, how great a LOVE the Father has lavished on us that we would be called children of God . . . the one who does not LOVE his brother is not of God . . . he who does not LOVE abides in death." 1 John 3

It's all about LOVE . . . Life is all about LOVE . . . to LOVE the Lord our God . . . to LOVE our neighbor as ourself . . . I want my life to be characterized by LOVE.

To LOVE means to serve. To LOVE means to deny myself. To LOVE means to think of the other first. To LOVE is to be true, honest, open, vulnerable. To LOVE is to laugh with those who laugh, to smile. To LOVE is to cry for those who hurt, with those who mourn. To LOVE is to hold my tongue and touch with my hands . . . with my heart. This I want to learn.

How can I LOVE others without first loving God?
How can I truly LOVE others without first loving myself?
How can I truly LOVE if I have not received LOVE?
How can I truly LOVE if I have not accepted the LOVE of the Father for me?

LOVE . . . the word we use for a transitory liking of something . . . the word we use for the strongest feeling of life . . . the word that we have forgotten the meaning of is a decision, an act of the will, not merely an emotion. Teach me to LOVE, Daddy. Teach me to LOVE as you have LOVED me.

My Calling

I am Kendra.
I am not Kathy.
I am not Katharine.
I am not Abbey, Bethany, Heidi, Bess Anne, or Kari.
I am Kendra.

God has a call on my life. He has a plan to which He is calling me. That plan is not the plan that He has for Katharine's life. The plan He has for me is not the same plan He has for Kari. He is not calling me to follow Abbey's calling or Bethany's calling or Bess Anne's calling. He is calling me to follow the path He has put me on, the path I walk with Him.

Recently, as I have talked with different friends, I have felt a tug on my heart. They talk about what God has called them to and the desires they have. It all seems so amazing and exciting. I think "I could do that", "maybe God wants me to do that too". It feels easier to follow someone else's calling. They hear, they obey, and I follow in their steps.

But every time my heart feels this tug, my spirit reminds me that I am Kendra. God has a plan specifically for me. It would be easier to follow someone else as they follow God, but God wants a relationship with me. So He calls me to something different, something that He has made me specifically for.

What's frustrating is that I don't fully know what He has called me to. I know bits and pieces, but I don't yet know how they fit together.

I am called to . . .
. . . intercession . . .
. . . compassion . . .
. . . tenderness . . .
. . . abundant life . . .
. . . missions . . .
. . . my generation . . .
. . . America . . .
. . . adoption . . .
. . . mothering . . .
. . . healing . . .
. . . love . . .
. . . lead . . . . and so much more that I do not yet know.

So much and yet it still feels so little. So disjointed. I know with time it will come together and in looking back I will be able to see how. But the planner in me wants to know now. Yet when I am quiet and still, He draws near and gradually reveals the next step, but only the next step. He asks for my trust and my obedience; so gently . . . how can I refuse such a gentleness?

Update on Disgruntled

Since I wrote that really frustrated blog about registering for classes, I guess I should let you all know how it turned out. I put myself on the waiting list for the classes I wanted. And I got in and so did my friend.

So Thank You, Jesus, for that!

The New Me!

Oh, I almost forgot.

For those who do not see me on a regular basis . . .

I need to let you know that I finally did away with my long, luxurious, beautiful, gorgeous . . . long, annoying, straggly, uneven hair.

Well 14 inches of it anyhow! It went to a good cause, so it's not a total loss :)

And I am now enjoying experimenting with my short hair.